


nothing kills man faster than his own head

by unpredictableArtist



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 06:11:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9979865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unpredictableArtist/pseuds/unpredictableArtist
Summary: his hands are coldkei? do you want to go to the roof?-----tsukishima has a minor breakdown.haha, "minor". he lied. sorry.(fuck.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> a vent thing i did yesterday night  
> like 45%-55% of this is just directly lifted from stuff i said a while back  
> as far as i can tell no self harm actually occurs, but theres a whole lot of "i want to _____" and also some veeery light choking/suffocation so if that squicks u then this fic is not for u buddy
> 
> title from [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnZlYZBRDuI)

he is curled up against the gym wall behind the bench, protected from stray balls and watched carefully by coach ukai.

there is a phone in his hands open to tadashi’s chat.

messages from kei fill the screen:

 _want to die taaddashi i want to scream in useless and awful why do you want me tos tay,_ received less than a minute ago

 _is hould quit the team im no help to annyone like this im a maess and im honestly surprised you havent leftme behhind already yourea the ones with the dedication and the love im juast ehre being a nuisance like always,_ trying to send, hit the button again, miss again, hit, miss, hit, connect, received just now

his hands are shaking again, he thinks

his throat is closed and he can’t quite breathe and his fingers keep hitting the wrong keys and hes, he feels sick, he doesnt want to dot his he _cant ddo this anymore—_

there is a voice, calling out to huim, _kei? do you want to go to the roof?_

his hands are pulling at tadashiis sleeve he didnt realize he didnt mean to bother him but yes yes yes he needs hte roof he needs something saround his neck please please please hes nodding he thinks his trhoat is closed up and he cant talk cant say yes please god—

theresa hand on his back gently pulling him towards the hgtm doors hes shaking again and therea re stairs hes climbing and tadashis voice _kei breathe for me there’s stairs turn left it’s okay I got you don’t worry kei kei kei we’re here_

and he opens his eyes there ist he sunset there is the chain link fence around the edge of the roof and tadashis infornt of him tyoing his sweater around keis neck and hes puling the knot thight and kei ca n

breathe he can breathe again and his forehead is pressed against eh fence and his glasses are pressing unconfortably into hisnose but he doesnt care he wants to die hes

an incovenience and cruel he hurts everyone he hutrs them hes poisonous why do thehy bother why do they stay sthey should just leave and leave he doesnt want

their hands on him their voices in his ears _kind_ and _good_ and _protective even if you dont show it_ in hiss ears in his head theyre lying to m kae him feel better he cant he doesnt why owuld they

he should just, just dcut them off never talk to them again theud be beter off that way without him without him dragging them tdown with him at everyturn pulling them to opiece s telling them all how theyre lacking when hes justtrying to hied his own failures his own disgutsing self when they dont sdeserve any of his black self leakinga into them and poinsoning and killing and tortueing them

his hands are cold

his fingers can barely fel he presses them against the fence and they metal is cold is hard is unforgiving is everythign he wishes he wasnts and it hurts it hurts he desreves it he doesn he should hurt he should suffer he dwants to shove his fingers into his eyes he wants to tears his nails off he want sto cut his fingers off bite them off (thatsnew wow) he wnats to slit his throat _fuck_

his chest hurts and he cant breathe and he hates himself he hates himself he hateshimself the only good thing about him is his intelligence and his blcking skill (good things he meant goodthings he cant even put together his sentences anymore fukcing nice) and he hates that too because hes never good enough healways comes seocnd in class never first never best never goodaneough he wants ot try going into law maybe abut hes going to fail the exams and then hell have to talke a job that he wontbe any good at and then he wont get paid and then hell die hungry and alone and he deserves that he thinks for being so pointless and useless

hahhhahhahahaha hes gonna cry but tadashis watchinga nd if he starts crying he will notice and get upset and he wants to die he want to die

his head hurts and he cant breathe why cant he do anything right

he wants it all to stop

please just fucking stop

haha he lied earlier he told tadshi he was fine he lied to his best friend he doesnt even know if he consider kei his best friend. probably not hes trash and hes awful tadashi shouldnt even consider him a friend

 _dont trsut me ever,_ he wants to tell tadashi, _dont talk to me ever dont touch me ever again i dont deserve it i dont desreve the attention i dont deserve love i did nothing to warrant it_

his hands find the esweater around his neck find the knot findth e sleeves and he _tugs tighter tighter tigheter TIGHTER—_

he cant quite breathe and

its good

he has the option

he could, could jump off the roomf if he wanted he could tightern the sweater until he couldnt brehate at ALL and its, the options there, if it gets bad he _cna_ and that

thats

good

because he hates when hes on the fucking ground floor its so much better when hes on the roof and he can fantasiz eabout throwing himself off it it ssomuch better he wants to die and he could if he really really wante dto but hes too scared

 _what a drama queen,_ he thinks, _youre such a baby you cnat even off youreslf so you just throw fits to get attentoin and make everoyne else suffer because of you yourseuch a fucking idiot a horrible pesron you should fucking die_

thinking about his own stupidity is making him tire dbut he doesnt know how to stop and he doesnt want to work to figute out ohw to stop

evertyhing makes him tired nowdays. he plays volleyball and hes tired,. he does homesowrk and hes tired. he so much as talks to someone andh es tired. he barelay remembers when doing anything _didnt_ exhaust him

so he tsries to

not thignk

there is, a sunset

 _the colors are lovely,_ he thinks

_hitoka said she wanted the colors top aint with she thought they were pretty_

the sunset lasts him a good fifteen minutes, colors chaging

kei tries to name the colors from what he rememberrs hitoka telling him, burnt orange near the horizen and absoultely blinding white jsut above the sun he looks away blinks there is lilac in the sky above, fading into indigo and deep ulatramarine blue and

the sunset is almost over

there, there wont be anything, and the voices in his head are getting loud agisn and he doesnt he please dammit fuck his head hirts the suns set and there is too much too loud cold against his forehead ads steel absorbs the nights cold over tens of minutes no sun to stop it and keep it warm and there are tears on his cheeks when did that

 

 

 

 

there is.

a voice, talking.

 _but then hinata_ screams _, or at least i think it’s him, and i panic, right? my book goes flying off the bed and i grab my phone and yell into it, but hinata doesn’t answer, and there’s just this thud and then silence. i’m just sitting there, losing my mind, thinking he’s like, dead or something, hell, i didn’t know. maybe he got assassinated for being too loud. so i’m screaming into the phone, all “hinata dammit answer me i don’t want to be the one to tell kageyama you’re dead” and he just. reappears? fifteen whole minutes later? happy as ever, all “tadashi! hey! sorry i vanished, natsu wanted something, what were we talking about?” and i go “WERE YOU DEAD WHY DID YOU SCREAM” and he says “oh, that was_ just _natsu,” like, this is not a_ just _situation, hinata—_

 _‘dashi?_ kei whispers, tired and scratchy. his throat feels bad, like he’s been screaming for a while. maybe he has. he was., not really aware of much, just now.

there is a hand on the sweater knot. kei blinks as it pulls the knot a little looser. his reaction is slow, reaching up to grab weakly for the hand as it lowers. the hand lets him grab it, lets him stare at it for a few seconds until he thinks to follow it to an arm and then up to see whose it is.

it is. tadashi’s.

tadashi is staring at him, gentle kindness in his eyes. there is no smile on his face, but kei feels. warm, somehow.

tadashi says, _kei, can i take away my hand for a second?_

kei... is. tired. he doesn’t. do.

tadashi nods. _that’s okay. don’t worry._ his hand (? oh, it’s the other one. the one kei’s not holding.) reaches up and pulls at the knot until it loosens more. and more, and more, and—

_no,_

kei thinks, his vision starts blurring,

_no, no, no_

_kei! kei, it’s okay, i’m not doing anything. i won’t take it away. it’s okay. breathe._

he breathes.

there is a hand in his, and a hand resting lightly on his face, and a sweater tied tightly around his neck.

 _kei,_ tadashi says, _can we go home?_

kei doesn’t say anything. he squeezes tadashi’s hand a little tighter.

a small smile appears on tadashi’s face. kei thinks it’s tinged with sadness. that’s his fault, he realizes, and guilt settles deep and heavy in his chest.

 _it’s okay, kei,_ tadashi says. _don’t worry about me right now. let’s go, yeah? i’ll sleep over at your place tonight._

they walk back together, tadashi bringing kei to the locker room and silently taking both their bags. he knows kei’s locker combination. has always known. the others watch, silently, as they prepare to leave themselves. kei ignores them, focuses on tadashi’s hand in his, the reassuring warmth, promising to _never let go, kei, i swear i won’t leave you no matter what_.

tadashi pulls them out, pulls them down the roads. the others follow behind, splitting off every few minutes to go down their own routes to home. kei doesn’t care. he just wants to lie down and sleep. he waits, though, as tadashi takes him to his own house, gets his clothes and toothbrush, tells his parents he’ll be with kei for the night. waits as tadashi comes down the stairs, smiles at him, takes his hand again, takes him to kei’s house.

his mother is kind. her eyes only need to see the sweater tied around his neck, and she understands. she knows this scene all too well. kei wants to thank her but can’t quite talk yet, so tadashi does it for him. he grabs dinner for them both, simple bowls of udon that his mother knew to make when tadashi called ahead. they go upstairs.

kei sits on the bed and watches as tadashi moves around. bowls on the study table. bags on the ground next to it. practice clothes replaced with casuals. he doesn’t bother to shower, changes in front of kei. kei doesn’t mind. this isn’t new.

tadashi comes over and sits next to kei on the bed. _kei?_ he asks, softly. _how are you feeling?_

kei breathes in deep. _better,_ he tells tadashi. gives him a faint smile. it’s the best he can manage right now.

it doesn’t matter. tadashi lights up as bright as the sun. _that’s good,_ he says, and he’s right, it is, this is one of the better days. on the worse ones, kei can barely even move himself from the roof, has to let tadashi pull him home and put him to sleep. can never manage a smile, too busy struggling to not drown in his depression.

he does his best to forget that, now, and presses his forehead to the other’s collarbones, drowning himself willingly in the scent and warmth of his childhood friend, his datemate and best friend and so much more. tadashi giggles softly and kei hums into his neck; _kei, we need to eat, are you going to get off me anytime soon—make me, ‘dashi—jeez, fine, you big baby._

a kiss pressed to the top of his head. _i love you._

kei sucks in a quick breath. _why,_ he thinks, _why would you—when you are my sun and my stars, when you are a goddamn angel, when you fly so far above the rest of us, when you are the one thing i live for—why would you love me, me who fails to shine, who kills everything around him, who tears apart others, who will break your wings one day and bring you crashing down—_

 _you will_ not.

ah. he was thinking out loud again.

( _drama queen,_ a voice whispers at the back of his head. he ignores it in favour of hiding in tadashi’s neck.)

 _you won’t hurt me,_ tadashi whispers. _i won’t let you hurt me. and i won’t let you hurt yourself. i promise._ hands pulling his head up until he’s facing tadashi, then lips pressing insistently against his own. they break apart and tadashi rests his forehead lightly against kei’s, bumping their noses together gently. _i love you._

and maybe kei can’t agree with him. maybe he won’t love himself ever, in the years to come. but he knows one thing for sure; that even if he can’t love himself, tadashi is right there to love kei instead, with a passion that burns hotter than a hundred stars, one that won’t go out until the day he dies.

(he remembers tadashi’s angry yelling, when kei told him he was worthless one day: _you’re not worthless, you’re beautiful and kind and i love you, love you more than i could ever put into words, because even when the medication doesn’t work and the voices in your head want nothing more than for you to die, you have the strength to fight, to get up in the morning and try one more time, to do the same damn thing over and over even when you know where you'll end up, and dammit, kei, i’ve never seen anything so amazing!)_

and if kei’s honest to himself, he’ll admit that he cares just as much for tadashi. so okay, maybe he can’t love himself. but he can do this one thing:

 _i love you too,_ he says to tadashi, and smiles.


End file.
